hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
