I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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