just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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