Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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