Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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