dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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