i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
