Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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