living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
