She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
