Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
