Cold hands, warm shart.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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