i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
