Dual....:-)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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