I wish I could teleport
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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