I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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