Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
