I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
