he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
