I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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