Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
