census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
