The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize