no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
