My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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