He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
