What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
