Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
