Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
try to milk me bitch
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize