after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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