that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
