epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
