How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
