i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
