I faked an abortion last night.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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