His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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