A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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