weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
