Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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