So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
