I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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