She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
