eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
