Yo dont text me then not text me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
