Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
