I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize