sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
