Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize