So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
