I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
