Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
