I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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