i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize