Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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