so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
