meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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