I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
