sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
