Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
