I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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