I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
