Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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